Condolences upon the  death of a loved one often suggest that time will heal the pain, that letting go is essential to moving on with life and that the memory of the loved one will fade. Yet, significant pain may return for many years or even a lifetime; the truth is, memories don’t simply disappear (nor would we want them to); and letting go completely may not be possible or even healthy.

Denial of the emotional loss of a loved one can delay the trauma of that loss or prolong the underlying pain and anger. On the other hand, giving oneself completely over to grief or stoking its embers for a long period of time can prohibit you from living your own life and result in a serious psychological depression. A remembrance tradition can provide a place for healthy remembering; a way to grieve and recognize the person’s life and their impact on your life, while allowing you to continue a life worth living.

Some people find that involving others in a mutually shared remembrance tradition can provide an opportunity for both honoring their memory  and grieving in a healthy manner, whether with just family, family and friends or as a solo tradition. A designated time, place and ritual for the tradition provides a structure for expressing appreciation of the deceased person, as well as acknowledging our sadness over their loss.
Your ritual might be a prayer, an annual dinner with tributes to the person or another ritualized remembrance. Some people find a symbol, such as a gravestone or a tree planted in memory of the person, helpful to remembrance. Others may seek less tangible ways.

A visit to the gravesite can be made a tradition by going on a designated date each year. The person’s religion or yours may suggest further ways to remember in a healthy way, such as annually designating a pew by making a donation to your church in memoriam to the person. There are other ways too, such as:

• Continuing to celebrate the person’s birthday;
• Creating a video of the person’s life from still photos and viewing it annually;
• Designating a charity in the deceased person’s name or endowing a chair or scholarship at the deceased person’s alma mater, and then perhaps donating to it on an annual basis and attending the charity’s annual meeting or school’s award presentation;
• Creating a memory book of pictures and stories about the loved one that’s passed at intervals throughout the family;
• Having a brass plaque to their memory mounted on a new bench for a local park; or
• Making a regular tradition of your own creation.
  

According to M. Mitchell, author of Remember Me: Socially Constructing Life After Death, death doesn’t terminate nor erase a relationship.  To deny that a relationship existed or to minimize its importance is to deny the part of yourself that the loved one contributed to your life.  Suppressing or denying the memory of a relationship can result in delayed or prolonged suffering.

By the same token, it can be exaggerated attention to remembrance over an extended period of time. This doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten or will forget. Your tradition won’t stop you remembering spontaneously during the course of each day, week or month, but can periodically provide you with a safe haven for intentionally remembering, grieving and celebrating your loved one’s life.